Kodi111
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Nobody Reads These Anyway.
2 min read
People whom I talk to tell me that I should have been
over last year's summer months by now, as though
there's a grace period and mine is way past its expiration date.
I get it. I mean I know that somewhere their words
have some merit to them but at the same time it's like
I lost all right to feeling the way that I do.
Almost like you're expected to wake-up one day,
go through your daily schedule and realise
that you only have two hours and thirty eight minutes
left before it all gets magically better from then on to eternity.
Maybe it's because I've been keeping to myself lately
more so than usual that when they ask my response doesn't align with their expectations.
Whichever it is I try not bring it up anymore,
all it does is hurt others and my relationship with the same individuals.
Ironically the ones that get hurt are usually the ones that care about me the most, cruel "joke".
I'm not sure what the point of all of this really is,
feel free to ignore all of the above, it would only be ironically fitting.
over last year's summer months by now, as though
there's a grace period and mine is way past its expiration date.
I get it. I mean I know that somewhere their words
have some merit to them but at the same time it's like
I lost all right to feeling the way that I do.
Almost like you're expected to wake-up one day,
go through your daily schedule and realise
that you only have two hours and thirty eight minutes
left before it all gets magically better from then on to eternity.
Maybe it's because I've been keeping to myself lately
more so than usual that when they ask my response doesn't align with their expectations.
Whichever it is I try not bring it up anymore,
all it does is hurt others and my relationship with the same individuals.
Ironically the ones that get hurt are usually the ones that care about me the most, cruel "joke".
I'm not sure what the point of all of this really is,
feel free to ignore all of the above, it would only be ironically fitting.
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Tall Tall Buildings
2 min read
----
Sometimes I catch my thought in the midst of
wondering away usually I let it go but just before it's
lost forever I reel it back in and decipher its reasons.
Last night it said I was thinking about you.
Pondering about what are you doing at this moment, who are you
with and are you feeling safe.
Its not always on its own, occasionally it's
accompanied by a random feeling it had picked up
along the way, only the stubborn ones manage to cling on
and survive the journey back to the valley of consciousness.
I wasn't able to identify which it was that time
and it wouldn't say but it let me know that I'm afraid.
I'm afraid the time will come and you won't notice
that your thought is moving away from you carrying
a bag filled with memories to bury someplace far and deep.
Scared that you won't feel it quietly drifting away
and you'd forget, the best of times, along with the rest.
The time you'd know me by nothing but name, devoid
of anything human keeps me up at night and down by day.
But what terrifies me the most is the idea
that I'll be the only one to know just how much I loved you.
----
Sometimes I catch my thought in the midst of
wondering away usually I let it go but just before it's
lost forever I reel it back in and decipher its reasons.
Last night it said I was thinking about you.
Pondering about what are you doing at this moment, who are you
with and are you feeling safe.
Its not always on its own, occasionally it's
accompanied by a random feeling it had picked up
along the way, only the stubborn ones manage to cling on
and survive the journey back to the valley of consciousness.
I wasn't able to identify which it was that time
and it wouldn't say but it let me know that I'm afraid.
I'm afraid the time will come and you won't notice
that your thought is moving away from you carrying
a bag filled with memories to bury someplace far and deep.
Scared that you won't feel it quietly drifting away
and you'd forget, the best of times, along with the rest.
The time you'd know me by nothing but name, devoid
of anything human keeps me up at night and down by day.
But what terrifies me the most is the idea
that I'll be the only one to know just how much I loved you.
----
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Looking For Cracks In The Paint
1 min read
For the first time in years something
felt undoubtedly right and that person is you.
In a sea of uncertainties you kept me afloat
but now it's time for me to dive back down and I'm going in headfirst.
I'm going to go away for a while,
not looking for answers but for the questions I need to be asking.
This may come as a surprise to you,
this may come as a relief or even both whichever it is,
this is me asking you not to worry. Some day, somewhere, I'll resurface.
Thank you for your thoughts and feelings.
When and if you find yourself in doubt,
always remember what you meant to me.
felt undoubtedly right and that person is you.
In a sea of uncertainties you kept me afloat
but now it's time for me to dive back down and I'm going in headfirst.
I'm going to go away for a while,
not looking for answers but for the questions I need to be asking.
This may come as a surprise to you,
this may come as a relief or even both whichever it is,
this is me asking you not to worry. Some day, somewhere, I'll resurface.
Thank you for your thoughts and feelings.
When and if you find yourself in doubt,
always remember what you meant to me.
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Purple Wind
2 min read
When faced with reality, some might feel unconsciously compelled to
speak mellifluous words and spit-out the likes of "I just want to to hold you again, one last time."
Sure it rings well with the preconceived idea of how romance or love
should be or look like but that's so only because we've been conditioned
to aim and hope for moments that make us 'Awww' in tandem.
The kind of blockbuster ready-made, pre-coocked, 2min deep fried
microwaved garbage we've had shoved down our throats by mass media
and Hollywood since the first proper use of celluloid.
Well I say fuck that. Yes, I'm not sorry.
Nothing says I love you better than a good fuck.
A "I want to fucking kiss you again kind of fuck."
The "I fucking miss you type of fuck."
Even the occasional "I can't fucking believe I've let you go remorseful-esque, fuck."
Or the simplest head-back, heartclenching,
soul starving "I fucking love you" dream living & loving memories bunch of fucks.
But the most fucked up thing of all is that there's no fucking thing I can fucking do about it.
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It's Still Mine
4 min read
--License and Registrations Please.
For the first time, I had close to zero expectations.
In retrospect that helped 'soften the blow' when reality finally decided
to rear its head and headbutt me square on the nose as It has done reliably
in the past, but this time I didn't bleed.
On the surface, on its own, it appears to be a good thing doesn't it?
At first it certainly does, but on second thought
(and a third and a fourth..) not so much.
As with many things in my life I tend to over-think them, usually it works
in my favour like finding an efficient solution to a problem or resource management.
But other times it leads to philosophical doubts, such as this one.
Where was I? Oh right, 'A good thing?' not entirely.
Yes it's a good defence per se, but what does that defence mean?
where did it come from?
who put it there?
I would like to see their permits.
--Losing It?
It's not the first time I've put myself in a position where from it's easy getting hurt
and I never really gave it a moment's thought just I just did, up until now that is.
One conclusion I arrived at was “Is zero expectation equals loss of hope?”
--I Could Somehow See.
Is it because this time I had a front row seat smack dead in the centre with
a clear line of sight with no-one or no thing to interrupt and make me miss
valuable pieces of data?
perhaps block me from seeing the seams starting to fail?
or is it the fact that I already know this play by heart?
literally.
--Asymptote.
This time I didn't just naively went off on a tangent
(the type of tangent that would make Wolfram Alpha proud) as I usually do
as a type of wishful thinker. I didn't just wholeheartedly
accept things as they seemed instead I challenged them, rocked the ground
they were resting on to see if they hold up.
The thing is, I wasn't aware I was doing that, it wasn't a conscious decision.
I had asked myself several times "Who was that just now?”
Have you started feeling eerie already?
--Differently the Same.
Intermission, the wounded curtain fell on the first and second acts
the main motive was the same but the dialects were slightly different.
I found myself backstage pondering whether to just quite I mean what
do I care where this play ends up, apparently I'm just the substitute.
In fact I've watched the third and final act unfold before and this time
is no different, is it?
--Reincarnation.
Your job is not yet done.
Right it doesn't feel the same as it did the first time or similar
to the ones immediately following.
It has started to gradually morph into something you need to learn all over again
and that's okay it is a part of growing and evolving into something more than
you were the day before, the hour before it and the moment that you chose
that you want her in your life in the first place.
Remember when you did, remind her as to why and have comfort
in the fact that she does as well.
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